If you’re questioning whether you need to be bladdered before heading into it, chances are you do not want or need that shit!
By Laura Copley
Over the years, the idea of booze-free sex has ironically often turned me straight to the tequila. It may have something to do with Skins having more influence over my generation than putting a condom on a plastic peen in PSHE classes ever did, but the combo of physical contact with my preferred gender and being sober for it seemed out of the question from an early age.
As a girl, reaching “sexual maturity” is a fucking bizarre time. Thanks to some seriously shit sex ed and unattainable beauty standards pushed by the media I felt so fucking awkward about my body, and the fact that one day it would be “exposed” to other people freaked me out no end. The idea that there was a magical potion (vino) to help subdue my internal anxiety (“do I smell weird down there”, “how will I look from that angle” or the classic “should I be moaning more right now”) sounded like the golden ticket, and it has been my way out of personal, unjustified embarrassment ever since.
Turns out all this nonsensical turmoil we put ourselves through has a name – back in the 1970’s, Masters and Johnston coined the term ‘spectatoring’, basically meaning you viewing yourself from a voyeur/third person perspective during sex. The implications of you ‘spectatoring’ yourself are shit, and can entirely take you out of the moment because you’re too focused on the very normal sex noises your bodies are making, or how your very normal bodily folds and creases look in certain positions. Essentially, spectating is your gateway to a very unfulfilled and nervous sex life (*crowd booing intensifies*).
Enter voddy and coke
Enter voddy and coke. It’s so, so easy to hide behind these things, because the ‘spectatoring’ kinda just disappears. You’re more confident, you care a lot less, you’re hornier… the list goes on. But waking up the next day (or in my experiences, immediately fucking after) comes the sense of dread, and “brill, i’ve done it again”. It’s shit for me to admit that because of this mixture, I can’t tell you how many sexual partners I’ve had – once upon a time I used to laugh that off and almost brag about it, but now at the ripe old age of 25 I can easily say that something has to change, and it’s very obviously my own perception of self-worth.
Letting sober sex in
While this is something I’ve definitely been way more tuned into as the years roll on and the bad mems fade, it’s still at times hard to practise what you preach. My own relationship with sex under the influence stems from some dark experiences that I know many of you probably share, but I guess it’s about finally wanting to face that shit head on, and realising you’re more than what has happened to you. It also massively helps to set your standards higher (L’Oreal because you’re worth it blah blah), ‘cuz then you’re only letting in people that don’t give a single shit about how many times your tum folds over when they’ve got your legs behind your damn ears.
Now don’t get me wrong, none of the above is me saying that you can’t enjoy a bev or two in the pre-coital moments, whatever you’re feeling for yourself is all groovy, baby. It’s about wanting to ~be~ fully present in ya mind and body, and not feeling like you have to balls to the wall down a bottle before heading down under. Great sex should be about Numero Uno: everything you want your sexual experiences to be first, and your partner(s) second, and if you’re questioning whether you need to be bladdered before heading into it, chances are you do not want or need that shit! Sex should never be a chore and it should never be out of your own realms of comfort – there’s nothing sexier than finding that natural confidence for yourself. Once you let sober sex in, because you want to, you best believe enlightenment is right round the corner.
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